Top Five Reasons to Hate Whales (and work towards their annihilation):

  1. MAMMALS OF THE SEA!! They LOOK like FISH, but breathe AIR and give BIRTH and are MAMMALS! This concept of underwater sea mammals is archaic, which demonstrates that the time has come for whales to become part of the marine biology history annals. The ocean environment doesn’t change as quickly as the terranland. We must expediate the process, and end this abomination against nature!
  2. WHALE NOISES! These horrific sounds equate to fingernails on a chalkboard! Just thinking about them is giving me goosebumps and sending a chill up my spine. The term whale “songs” is just a ploy to make you think that these excruciating noises have any pleasantness involved with them. There are even CDs you can BUY with these horrible noises! One is better off buying an album by Sonic Youth if they want to listen to high pitched noises. Don’t buy into the scam of the “whale song”!
  3. BODY BARNACLES! It’s just plain slovenly to allow barnacles to grow on your body. There are thousands of little microorganisms feasting off of a whale’s body. A whale might as well be equated to the hull of a boat: coated in barnacles, it’s thick outer husk to be withered away by these nasty little crustaceans.
  4. BALEEN WHALES!! They filter the ocean water for scum. Straining the water for fish and crustaceans, the food gets caught in the matted baleen fringes inside their bodies. Think about what your sink strainer looks like after you did the dishes. Would you want to eat that? Have it rotting away in your mouth? This also encompasses another issue that we here at can not stand. GROOVES. The
    throat grooves that puff out when the whale is feeding, so that it can sustain it’s gluttony even moreso.
  5. LARGEST ANIMAL on the planet. Grotesquely large. These creatures time has come! End the reign of oversized sea mammals! The world is growing smaller every day. The food and resources these creatures need in order to sustain their existence is ridiculous. Spare the oceans of such wanton extravagance!
  6. Additional Reason: This one is for the ladies in da house: Whales represent yet another misogynistic chapter in the subjugation of the female gender, although it can be inversely argued that there was a strong anti-whale movement BY women. The slaughter and processing of whales for makeup and corsetry (both signs of feminine weakness) was a major industry in the 18th and 19th century. The tide was turning in the Victorian era – women wanted more civil rights, and although their whale hatred was strong enough to use the evil tools the whale corpses provided them, technology stepped up and replaced the whale. Now with their attention focused off whales, and onto their rights, women stopped being the whale-haters they were meant to be, and whales went back to being a major menace.